What is a toxic friendship? Like any relationship, a toxic relationship is one where you’re always left feeling bad. These people will constantly try and overshadow you, belittle you and basically act as if their life and accomplishments (or troubles) are more important than yours. Sometimes these people will act out and cause problems in your life only to put the blame for it on you. I had a friendship like this for 20 years. We were “best friends” off and on for 20 years, and every time it ended, it was because of some drama she created, then blamed on me. For years she had me thinking that maybe it was my fault.
The first instance of her dramatic actions was in around 2005. I’m the kind of person who will open up and share everything about my life with just about anybody. I did this with her. We had been friends for 3 years and I trusted her. I was getting prepared to leave my husband at the time. I had confided to her what had been happening and what my plan was. She was very encouraging, and even offered to help me move. However, a few weeks before my plan was to be executed my husband came roaring at me demanding an explanation, because she TOLD him what my plan was. Everything blew up in my face, but that didn’t end the friendship.
Fast forward a few years to 2009. She came out to visit me and meet my new boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well until his birthday party. All of his cousins and friends came to my house for his party. She started acting as if she had more of a right to be in my house than he did. She got snippy with him, questioning him, and then said to me “I can’t believe you let these people in your house”. Some of his cousins were Mexican. Apparently she had an issue with that. The evening turned into a huge dramatic scene with me dragging her to the bus station the next day to send her home, early. Let me say now, in 2023, she claims that half her family is from California, and Mexican. Right….
Now we get to the year 2020 while I’m living at my parents house after my 2nd divorce. I’m driving her back home one day (2 hour drive one way) and we’re talking about politics. I say “ya know, I bet if we hid the identity of every politician that is running for office, and people had to rely on actual facts and not popularity of the person, most of us would all vote for the same person”. A few days later, I see her posting that EXACT same phrase on her Facebook page, as if SHE came up with it. Another time she was visiting me, against my wishes, she was feeding my dogs table scraps. When I reminded her that I didn’t approve of that she says “Oh please, they’re fine! I feed mine all the time”. My request concerning what my animals eat was of no concern to her.
In late 2021 she came to visit me in my new house. My mom, husband and I were all ready for bed before she was. I woke up around 4 am to go to the bathroom. While in the bathroom I could hear her on the phone in the garage. Because my husband is a senior and so was my mom, I had Yi indoor cameras set up everywhere. I opened the app and began watching the one set up in the garage and I saw/heard her talking trash about me and my family to whomever was on the other end of her phone. She was saying things like “I don’t know how she managed to get this life” and “I deserve this life more than she does”. My life is, I don’t have to work, I own a home and own my vehicles outright. At the time my home was brand new, and the vehicles in question were my mom’s Pilot and my husbands mustang, which we later traded the mustang in for my truck.
She was jealous. The next morning she left and I didn’t hear from her again until my mom passed away.
Quick jump to earlier this year, 2023. She came over for a sleepover. I had gone to the store and purchased all the snack foods she requested and the alcohol she requested. I had just gotten my puppy Cricket, and had learned already about her heart condition. She comes into my home with a latte, sits down and is getting all the attention from my dogs, as usual when anyone comes over. She spilled some of her coffee and then encouraged the dogs to lap it up. I told her caffeine is toxic to dogs, and she scoffs at me, waves it off and says “oh they’ll be fine. Mine sip my coffee all the time.” WTF! I do my best to shrug it off and not let that ruin the day. After several drinks and visiting later, she’s most definitely drunk, and getting all touchy with me, which I hate. I don’t like to sit close to people. I have a bubble. We’re sitting facing each other at the fireplace smoking and drinking and she keeps scooting closer and putting her hand on my knee. I keep scooting back and she comments about it. I remind her that I don’t like being touched and she scoffs and reaches to touch me again. By this time my son, hearing the tone in my voice change comes into the room and sits with us, in an attempt to distract her so she quits touching me.
She continues with her drunk antics, and when my husband (77 year old man) comes into the room I motion to him to get her car keys off the table and put them up on the mantle. She had been saying in a drunk whiney voice that she should just go home. She was too drunk to drive, and we were attempting to get her to just go to bed. She saw him with her keys and reached out to snatch them back. When he raised the keys out of her reach she HIT HIM! She hit him multiple times. I jump up ready to attack her and beat the shit out of her, but my son intervenes and ushered her into my bedroom to put her to bed for the night.
While in my bedroom she calls 911 and tells the operator that she doesn’t feel safe here, and that she’s in fear for her life. So the cops roll up quietly to my house. One cop goes into the room with her, and the other sits in the living room with me and my family. Stories are shared, and the cops help her call for a ride and they leave. I should have told them that SHE was the one who was doing the hitting. I should have sent that drunk cow to jail.
That was the final straw. The next day she was coming to pick up the items she left. I put a note inside calling her out and telling her it’s over and to never contact me again.
The moral of the story is, when someone is constantly causing issues with you, you have to take a good hard look at the entire relationship and determine who the real problem is. In my situation, she was the problem. You see, her life never improved over the 20 years that I knew her. She was always on some sort of state assistance, be it food stamps, cash benefit, or medical. She’s never been a home owner, and her cars have never been brand new. After that last incident I started thinking about all the stories she had told me over the years, and as I connected the dots, I was able to see that she was the instigator in a lot of her problems with other people too. It was always someone else’s fault, never hers. She talks trash about her own children, in the same way my sperm donor narcissist does.
She is the problem in her own life, and it spilled over into mine.
I don’t hate her. Sometimes I even miss her. It wasn’t every time we got together that something bad happened. So those good times, yes I miss. I miss talking on the phone over coffee in the morning. I miss having someone to vent to about things. BUT, now I know that because she is jealous of my success, I really can’t trust her. I believe she is the type of person who would betray my confidence and try and ruin what I have here, just so she could have it for herself.
With friends like her, who needs enemies.
Anyway, that’s my 4 am ramblings and my brain dump. I had been thinking a lot about her lately, and I’m glad I didn’t reach out.
