Krazie Kari Showed Herself 😞

If anyone actually really knew what I have been through in the last year and a half, they might have some understanding of why I went a little coo-coo last Tuesday and messed up the plans of several people.  😑 Obviously looking back, I see the warning signs, leading up to an episode, but I’ve been without that shit for so damn long now, I really thought it was under control.  

Well, it turns out it is under control.  “It” being PMDD.  My freak out moment had nothing to do with my condition, and everything to do with the last 18 months finally coming to a head.  Because I’m so hard on myself, I have spent the last 4 work days, since Tuesday, at home, beating myself up for being such a sissy, angry with myself for not opening up about my stressors, and absolutely mortified, that I don’t know how I will face them.  Ok, the last 18 months.

• Got Blind sided with divorce (again)
• Didn’t have a job when he left me with all the house hold bills and took the car.
• Got a job and a car - quit job
• Got another job
• Lost the job because the ex kept messing with my heart and mind.
• Lost my house (now my rental history is damaged)
• Moved in with a friend who turned out to have ulterior motives
• Got a new job
• Became homeless
• Almost died in car accident with daughter
• Thankfully had a friend who offered a couch for us until the blizzard lifted
• 4 months on the couch later, and dealing with the psychopath drunk guy who has access to weapons and threatened to use them - all the time....
• Pushed my daughter to get in a live in relationship sooner than she may have been ready and gave away everything that wouldn’t fit in my car and drove over the hill to my parents house. 
• Landed here in April and immediately began looking for a job.
• Got a job 2 and started June 3rd.
• Loved job
• Almost there!
• Then I see how much it costs to rent out here vs what I can afford
• I realize i have absolutely NOTHING to furnish an apartment with.  Not even a bed.
• How in the hell am I going to be able to find a place that will let me have my dogs and I can afford?
• Meanwhile, I get home from a job (which I love) where I am around lots of people all day long, to my parents, whom I haven’t seen all day long. 
• I literally never had any alone time.  

So while I’ve been healing from my divorce, I knew that all I needed was to have a good job and get a place of my own.  Then disaster struck when I saw how expensive rents are, and how hard it is to find a place that will let me have a big dog.  I began to feel suffocated.  The county is closed because of covid.  There is literally no where for me to escape to have some alone time, where it isn’t too hot to take the dogs.  After being gone from them for 10 hours, I just wanted to be home.  

How do you tell your parents who are supporting you, that you just want to be alone? By the way 😆 while I’m writing this, they are sitting out here on the patio, with me, having a conversation with each other.  

Anyway, I lost my shit, and now I’m waiting to find out if I lost my job.