The truth is still the truth; even if no one believes it

 It’s difficult to find the words to explain how I feel.  Sad?  Angry?  Disappointed?  Hurt?

All of the above I guess.  I’m exhausted.  I didn’t set my boundaries early enough in life, and now I’m living with the consequences.

There are people who are no longer in my life because they chose deception instead.  And through the deception, they spread untruths that cut so deep, that there simply is no recovering.  I can love them from a distance, but I can never allow them to hold a place at my table again.  

That is probably the hardest part for me.  Nothing even had to be this way.  All they needed to do was swallow their pride and tell the truth.  All of it.  But, apparently none of them are strong enough to handle the consequences of ‘their’ truths being exposed, so they decided to chose their deceit over our relationship - friend, family, etc.  In doing so, those who are too ignorant to seek the truth themselves, have jumped onto the bandwagon of deceit, and are also in turn, estranging themselves from my life, and those who are currently in it.

I have one hell of a story to tell.  The experiences I’ve had - the types of people I’ve allowed to influence me - the damage that caused, and then of course the best part…how I dragged myself out of the ashes that so many “loved ones” left me in.  

Yeah I suppose I’m angry too.  Sometimes I wish I knew why.  Then I remember why.  

I allowed it.  

“Bipolar or psychotic, maybe both”

I didn’t stand up for myself.  When the lies started flowing, I just shrunk into my own little world.  I repeated this cycle every single time.  When they chose to be cruel, I chose (or did my best anyway) compassion.  When I screwed up, I did my best to be honest about it.  

I spent the majority of my life living in survival mode, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have experienced horrific things, and had to handle the aftermath alone.  Where was my support then?  Who was there for me?  Who didn’t just ‘believe’ what someone was saying and actually asked me?  

I’ll tell you.  The only people currently participating in my life.  

“She’s crazy and unstable, dont go for her”

I have been called every name in the book by people who share my DNA.  

I have been expected to keep secrets that I never should have known.

The things that have been said about me, to me, to others etc are so vile and hurtful that it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

I have spent my life feeling as though I am constantly having to defend my character to people who have none.

My reputation never stood a chance with any of them.  And I never fought back.  

I have permitted censorship.  By keeping quiet and not standing up for myself, I helped them silence me.  Because I didn’t fight back while the abuse was happening, it was easy for them to manipulate the narrative.  Additionally, my low self esteem and insecurities were also easy for them to manipulate.  How do you control someone with low self esteem?  Make them feel worse about who they are.  Easy.

Married the same man 4 times 

What happens when a child grows up feeling as if they are never good enough?  What about when that child is also witness to other family abuse?  Who the hell protects the kids???

No one.  They end up finding ways to protect themselves.  

In many ways I think I allowed all of it because I just wanted to be accepted.  If I let them be, and kept quiet, maybe they would stop.

They didn’t stop.  

So I did the only thing I could.  

I spoke the truth.  I might be completely alone in the end, but at least I’ll be able to sleep with a good conscience…

I still wish everyone happiness - we all deserve it.  But if you weren’t there for me when I was in need, or if you kicked me while I was down - please just leave me alone.  I’m done.  I have a new life to live and real compassionate people to give my love to.  

I have survived multiple bouts of suicidal thoughts (alone)

To anyone who happens to read this and is also a scapegoat, please speak up.  Dont let them continue.  You deserve better.