Ending 2020 with Love, Peace & Hope for the Future

 

The Tiger in me sees the Wolf in you

Wow 2020 was one Hell of a rollercoaster.  Hard to believe that just 11 months ago my kid and I were homeless and almost crashed to our deaths.  I lost every friend I had made in that area, and had to leave behind nearly all of my possessions.  

I’m not quite ready to write my whole story yet.  Little bits here and there are all I can manage to get down until I either get sick of thinking about it, or too emotional.  Now, give me a few beers and I’ll talk about it all day long!!! Maybe a podcast is truly what me and my Bestie are supposed to do.  I’ll certainly ask my Angels.  Yes, I make a list.  Always.  I most definitely have at least 53 lists.  😉

I have learned a lot this year.  Sure, we all say that every year right?  Well, this time is different for me.  I learned who my friends were.  I learned that I need to trust the journey, and in doing so I learned how to help others to do the same.  I have learned patience, faith, and most importantly, hope.  I learned strength, and I learned how to trust.  Most importantly, I learned that it is not my responsibility to fix anyone else’s problems.  

I’ve done a few manifestation checks this year, and yes they do work!  How do you think I got that first job after I got here?  AND, most likely I will work for them again, once they buy more properties.  Lord knows I’m more than ready for that!!!  Save that for another day.  Anyway, they work.  Google it!  I’m also doing a super giant New Moon Ritual 🌚 this time since it’s the last one of 2020 and I have a ton of works to do on this months Full Moon 🌕.  Need to prepare!  I’ve been jotting things down in preparation, and tomorrow I will go shopping for the items I still need.  Thank Goddess I got a nice birthday present from the parents.  I had to leave almost all of my ‘craft’ supplies behind.  

Slowly but surely I will rebuild.  I’m smarter now, and more thrifty so I can find most of what I need in the kitchen.  And I know that the majority of magic is in your intention, not so much the tools you use.  So got a white candle and a bay leaf?  Strong intentions, the right moon phase and a quiet place for you to focus...that’s all ya need.  Truly.  

Today I set up to dry the herbs/spices/shit I’ll need for the Full Moon spells.  I’ve got orange peel, Thyme, Rosemary, Sage leaves and Sage stems.  I like to use the dried Sage stem to light first, and then light my ritual candles.  Then I blow it out and add it to my altar bowl or the offering.  I got all of those at Albertsons in their produce section. 

Well on that note, it’s almost 6pm and I need to go find some food.  I rarely eat any more, so when I’m hungry I have to jump at it.  I am really looking forward to coming out of my shell the rest of the way.  

And to anyone reading this....I hope you recognize your blessings and learn to love others the way you want to be loved. 

Peace, Love & Light Be With You

☪️ Blessed Be 🕉

#KrazieKari 

Toxicity in the family unit

 Some of you may have caught the post about my brother before I removed it.  Well the drama ensues.

I went against the advice of a friend and shared what my brother said with my dad.  BIG MISTAKE! Dad went off, took it as if it was a personal attack on him from my bro.  Then got pissed because I involved HIS friend (who has turned into my friend too) in our “private family affairs”.  I won’t bore you all with the details but let’s just say, I learned a very big lesson here.

MUCH of my healing comes from growing up with a narcissist and then marrying one.  Why am I using the term narcissist?  Well I’m no expert, but the article i posted earlier pretty much describes my family.  Not everyone.  You see, my darling brother said horrific and vile things TO ME, ABOUT ME.  It was MY feelings that got hurt.  And guess what?  During this whole fucking ordeal? Neither of my parents even asked me how my brother’s words made me feel. 

Not even once.

It was ALL about them.  Not me.  Nope.  My feelings weren’t of concern.  In fact I’m relatively certain my dad hasn’t even asked about how I felt since I almost took my life last year.  🧐 

Well Universe....WHAT’S NEXT?

If a child doesn’t feel safe talking to their parents about their feelings, fears, worries etc. that child will grow up believing they have to handle everything alone.  My kids will NEVER have to handle it alone.  

Online Dating - WTF?

 Who came up with the idea of online dating?  I keep going back and forth about it.  I’ve been on POF since I found out my husband was on it.  Now ex-husband.  #Dick 

There was one gentleman I was speaking to that I had considered meeting, until I found out he wanted a discreet meet, which translates in to “I’m just like your ex-husband and I don’t want my wife to know”.  #Dick!

Then there are the ones who absolutely ignore everything in my profile and respond ONLY because they think my appearance is good.  #Lame What I want to know is, will you be there for me when I fall apart mentally?  Will you encourage me when I’m feeling down on myself?  What if I end up limited in mobility; will you stick around?  That is what really matters.  I could get in a car accident tomorrow, and my face could get disfigured.  Still wanna fuck me?  

Probably Not.  Not to sound cynical but too many people are just so superficial!  And the best place to pretend to be a good person, is ONLINE. 

Ugh.  Please just read the fucking profile.  

“Living the Dream” by Krazie Kari

There is nothing better than living with your parents at the age of 45.  Yes, I’m being sarcastic.  I fucking hate it.  I love them.  But I can’t live with them; they drive me bonkers.

There isn’t any peace in this house.  I’m sure my being here is making it more difficult.  I don’t exactly “know” how it is for them, but I can imagine.  For me?  Well, lets see... I’ve been the secret keeper of the family since I was a very young adult, possibly even an older youth.  I’ve been their counselor the same amount of time.  Not willingly I might add.  Both of them are guilty of that.  It was easy enough to manage before I lived with them, but now it’s every single day.  Mom complains about how Dad is being a jerk.  Dad complains about her drinking habits and inability to do normal shit.  Both have talked to me about how maybe they should have divorced the other years ago.  It’s just on-going.  Constantly.  I get to hear about all of their individual problems, hurt feelings, grievances etc.  Basically, I am now a live in psychotherapist to them.  🤦‍♀️ 

They can’t decide how to treat me either.  One minute they will be telling me what I should be doing with my job, my money, my car, my dogs...and the next minute they’re dumping their shit on me.  Mom doesn’t want to go anywhere because of her medical condition (which is worsening by the way) and Dad is always wanting to be on the go.  I get to hear it all.  Mom constantly talks about how she doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her.  Dad keeps acting like he thinks she might get better.  Wrong.  She won’t get better.  

Most of the time you can cut the tension with a knife.  How they managed to like each other enough to create my brother and I, I often question.  Have they ever liked each other?  They are so opposite.  Dad is outgoing, active, and enjoys meeting new people.  Mom is very introverted, insecure, a bit on the lazy side these days, and doesn’t even like visitors unless it’s certain family.  Dad is stern and forceful and mom is soft and understanding.  I just don’t get it.  

Then there’s me.  I desperately want to be alone.  I enjoy time to myself, but I also like socializing.  I don’t handle tension very well.  I feel it too much.  I can tell when someone is upset just by the energy that their body gives off.  And if they aren’t willing to talk about it, it creates anxiety type feelings in me.  I’m already an anxious person.  So adding other people’s drama definitely doesn’t help.  I’m torn between wanting to help them, and wanting to just run away.  But I don’t have anywhere to run to.  

Quite often my parents will act childish.  For example:  dad brought out the empty rum bottle and said “I’m having my 3rd drink out of this bottle”.  What he was ‘hinting’ around to was “dammit woman (to mom) you drank all my alcohol when you had your own!”  Then a few minutes later he comes out and announces that a friends of his is stopping by.  This of course pisses mom off because now she has to go get dressed and try to look happy about the intruder.  (((Sigh))) So after she gets up to go get dressed he comes outside again and says to me “I bet that set her off” and chuckled.  Like he enjoyed getting her riled up.  (((God Help Me)))

And they wondered why I had a nervous breakdown at work.  I dealt with a shit ton of people drama at work 8 hours a day, then come home to their drama.  Never a moment of peace except a handful of mornings where I got to have my coffee alone before going to work.  The constant drama definitely got to me.  I had it from both sides.  

I have had nothing but drama in my life for the last year.  And with everything being closed, or restricted, how do you even meet anyone?  

There is literally NO ESCAPE.  Is it too early to drink?

Krazie Kari Showed Herself 😞

If anyone actually really knew what I have been through in the last year and a half, they might have some understanding of why I went a little coo-coo last Tuesday and messed up the plans of several people.  😑 Obviously looking back, I see the warning signs, leading up to an episode, but I’ve been without that shit for so damn long now, I really thought it was under control.  

Well, it turns out it is under control.  “It” being PMDD.  My freak out moment had nothing to do with my condition, and everything to do with the last 18 months finally coming to a head.  Because I’m so hard on myself, I have spent the last 4 work days, since Tuesday, at home, beating myself up for being such a sissy, angry with myself for not opening up about my stressors, and absolutely mortified, that I don’t know how I will face them.  Ok, the last 18 months.

• Got Blind sided with divorce (again)
• Didn’t have a job when he left me with all the house hold bills and took the car.
• Got a job and a car - quit job
• Got another job
• Lost the job because the ex kept messing with my heart and mind.
• Lost my house (now my rental history is damaged)
• Moved in with a friend who turned out to have ulterior motives
• Got a new job
• Became homeless
• Almost died in car accident with daughter
• Thankfully had a friend who offered a couch for us until the blizzard lifted
• 4 months on the couch later, and dealing with the psychopath drunk guy who has access to weapons and threatened to use them - all the time....
• Pushed my daughter to get in a live in relationship sooner than she may have been ready and gave away everything that wouldn’t fit in my car and drove over the hill to my parents house. 
• Landed here in April and immediately began looking for a job.
• Got a job 2 and started June 3rd.
• Loved job
• Almost there!
• Then I see how much it costs to rent out here vs what I can afford
• I realize i have absolutely NOTHING to furnish an apartment with.  Not even a bed.
• How in the hell am I going to be able to find a place that will let me have my dogs and I can afford?
• Meanwhile, I get home from a job (which I love) where I am around lots of people all day long, to my parents, whom I haven’t seen all day long. 
• I literally never had any alone time.  

So while I’ve been healing from my divorce, I knew that all I needed was to have a good job and get a place of my own.  Then disaster struck when I saw how expensive rents are, and how hard it is to find a place that will let me have a big dog.  I began to feel suffocated.  The county is closed because of covid.  There is literally no where for me to escape to have some alone time, where it isn’t too hot to take the dogs.  After being gone from them for 10 hours, I just wanted to be home.  

How do you tell your parents who are supporting you, that you just want to be alone? By the way 😆 while I’m writing this, they are sitting out here on the patio, with me, having a conversation with each other.  

Anyway, I lost my shit, and now I’m waiting to find out if I lost my job. 

2:22 PM

*UPDATE 12/28/2020* 

Panic attack on 7/28/2020 caused me to quit unexpectedly.

One year ago today:  I was depressed, lonely, desperate, and going through the absolute biggest change I had ever experienced.  My life had been turned upside down just a handful of months prior, but I wasn’t letting go.  I wasn’t moving on.  

I knew I needed to “do” something; I just didn’t know what that was.  Again, I was failing.  I wasn’t making enough money to support what he abandoned.  I think deep in my subconscious, I ‘knew’ what I was supposed to do, I just didn’t know how, or where to begin.  

It’s been almost 90 days since I arrived here, in the safe nest of my elderly, at risk of covid, parents.  Thank God for them.  I am celebrating my first month on the job, and I still have a huge grin on my face every morning as I pull into the office.  I am still, right where I need to be.  I was called to save my life by myself for once, and to save a soul, maybe 2.  Maybe at least 96...

I can’t believe sometimes, when I look back just to last year, just how far I’ve come.  One year and 5 months ago, I woke up in the morning, after almost ending my suffering.  PMDD, anxiety, depression, severe low self esteem and even lower self image.  No, I don’t know why.  I am one of the #20.  That to me, is why.  And that was enough.  For the 3rd time since I’d had kids, I seriously considered, and prepared, to take my life.  

I decided, with a gentle nudge of my angels, to instead of taking my last breath - explore.  Learn.  Investigate.  Wake up.  So I did.  I can’t describe how drastically my outlook had changed, in just one sleep.  I would sound krazie.  I went on a long ass journey into my own self.  What makes me tick.  Who the fuck am I?  What makes me happy?  What makes me angry?  Etc...

And here the fuck I am!  Strong!  Capable!  Determined!  Nothing is gonna stop this krazie chick!  

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

The Planets are playing with us again lol 😂

 WTF is going on?

Three planets are in retrograde, with Neptune, to be the 4th for a few days.  A lot is changing in the world.  Trust me, it’s not just you.  We are all experiencing periods of WTF on a regular basis.  I’m experiencing periods of mass confusion, then peace.  At times I’ll feel incredibly energetic and then bam - exhausted.  The most important thing to remember, is don’t make any drastic decisions if you can.  Think things through.  Now would be a great time to journal about your feelings.

Like right now...I really felt like I was in the mood to be chatty - and now...I don’t.  So I’ll end this blog post with stay calm - drink water - and study.

Boundaries vs Standards

*UPDATED 12/28/2020* 

After re-reading this post I just want to note: while it sounds angry, resentful and mean...I was hurting in an extreme way earlier in the month that I originally wrote this.  It seems pretty clear to me that I must have still been hanging on subconsciously to my ex, and some of my emotions came out.  He is not a villain.  No I’m not saying this for any other reason than to let you, the readers know...Peace of mind will come.  I promise you.  Everything you need is already inside of you.  

❤️ 

My standards have sure changed since my 2nd husband left.  Like, I will never again let a man monopolize every single weekend, to the degree we are always with HIS family/friends and never with mine.  At my age, and the age of my own kids, I also don’t want a man who has minor children. Just a personal preference.  And for the first few years-ish, we will not merge our families on family style holidays.  In fact, I really don’t even want to meet his family, or him meet mine, until we have been exclusive for at least a year.

Sure, that sounds like a lot of stipulations.  But, it’s what I need.  “You’ll be single forever if you’re that picky” - FINE.  I literally would rather die alone, single, then ever sacrifice my needs ever again. As soon as you sacrifice one, you will end up sacrificing another.  And another...to the degree that eventually, you won’t even know who you are.

Don’t want to drink alcohol every night?  Then don’t get involved with someone who does.  YES, pay attention.  Get yourself a handful of those little 5x7” notebooks.  They’re cheap.  Journal right away about men you’re dating.  (Guys, you can do this too).  Write the shit down.  And save it.

Whatever it is you have boundaries with, pay attention to whether or not s/he is pushing them.  The easiest way to do that is to write everything down.

For example:  ME.  I have a high sex drive, however...sexual compatibility is the LAST thing I’m worried about.  Trust me.  I’m a Sagittarius.  I know what I’m doing in the bedroom.  So one of MY requirements when dating, is, I’m not even going to ‘think’ about sex with you, until I feel like it.  And I’m not going to tell you on the first date how long you have to wait, because I couldn’t even begin to tell you.  However, I will NOT push my boundaries and do anything that I’m not ready for.  And, if you push the boundary and make me uncomfortable, I will get up and walk the fuck out.  Or hang up.  Or just block you.  Whatever it may be, I will not come around for even one more chance.  I’m done.  I’m done pushing my boundaries because “oh what if he’s good for me” type of crap.  Honey, if he was good for you, your boundaries would not have been pushed.  Read that again.

No more 2nd chances people.  Trust your gut!  Do NOT sacrifice yourself, your needs, your boundaries for any reason at all.  And no, you do not need to list your boundaries - ever.  YOU know them.  Just pay attention.

Now, don’t for a minute think this applies to the rest of your life.  This is ONLY during the dating phase.  I mean, couples fight.  If you’ve made it to the part of the relationship where you’re ready to be exclusive, then that is literally when you let these boundaries adjust as needed.  Just always know, your intuition is never wrong.  We will talk about intuition eventually.

Ok, enough of that.  I’m going to go find something more productive to do.

Happy Thursday peeps!

❗️Waning Moon 🌕 ➡️🌑 2%❗️