Just a lil tidbit about us - and what we’re up to these days ❤️

We had an absolute BLAST at Cool Desert Nights this year!!!  We hope to be able to do a few little upgrades to the mustang before next years show 💛 if the stars align of course.  

We made a lot of new contacts, and he literally said later that night “I had maybe the most fun in my entire life”.  So awesome to be able to help him experience that.  I mean, why else would you own a car that’s so damn fancy?  

We even got ourselves matching kicks!  I think they’re Vans?  Either way, that was definitely an awesome event with lots of friendly people.  Grayson even met a new potential love interest 😂 

Cool Desert Nights, Richland, WA 2021

 

On the home front, we are having a lot of fun re-growing our own vegetables.  The green onions that he loves to eat every day are thriving!!!  Now that I am confident where they live, we will build quite a yield.  I just started lettuce today (Romaine) to see how it does.  I have a few seedlings sprouting already and just ordered an indoor greenhouse from Amazon.  It will fit perfectly under one of our high living room windows, where the onions are thriving.  There is also a plug in right there so if we need to add a grow light, we can easily do so.  We should get the greenhouse by Sunday🤞🏻

I have always wanted to be mostly self sustaining, and I absolutely prefer fruits & veggies to anything else.  Cheese comes in next, but I wont be growing that anytime soon lol pretty sure the HOA would frown upon that.  But if we can reduce our cost for produce by growing our own, that would be amazing!  Not to mention, a hell of a lot healthier.  So the back yard will slowly be built into a garden on one side and a dog agility / sensory course on the other.  I’ve been collecting tires and things for that 💕  We are also focusing more on green eating - less animal meats.  The animals we will add as desired are poultry, fish, and once in awhile the white part of pork.  The dogs are even transitioning to a 1/4 BARF diet.  I know it’s not much, but still.  Plus it’s a lovely treat for them, and super healthy.  If I could, I’d go all the way, but until I can feed us all without depending on some other entity, I can’t really justify focusing that on the pups.  For now, it’s just BARF treats and lots of love.

Check out what we have so far! 

This last photo was my rendition of split pea, bacon and chicken breast soup.  They absolutely LOVED it!  Everyone in the house ate a good portion of it.

Next time I’ll shave a few minutes off the Instant Pot because I’d like to see the shape of the peas.  Otherwise, this was a hit and not a single potato and only salt to taste at the end.  

Over all, our life is relatively simple.  It’s nice really.  Not having the mad dash everywhere.  My local pot shop is literally 3.3 miles from our driveway.  The grocery stores are just a couple miles farther.  The weather is always lovely, even when its stormy.  The growing season out here is the best in the state!  

We are working in to a new system of living and we’re loving every minute of it.  According to what he has researched, our neighborhood over the next short while is supposed to become self sustaining.  How cool would it be to be able to ride our trikes to the local grocer?  I can’t wait to see what transforms right before our eyes over the next few years.

I suppose that’s about all for our life update.  We are trying really hard to reduce and reuse things around the house.  Thank goodness for Pinterest these days.  My mind is so full of other stuff, sometimes it’s hard to get creative.  :) But it’s all good.  Life is great and getting better with each day.  

There are just a couple things missing, but I hope, and he hopes, that in time all that will fall into it’s proper place as well.

Until then, wishing everyone safety and love.

💗 

Don’t forget to write your intention checks today

No words

 Just gonna leave this here without another word - because - there isn’t a point in saying anything else

You reap what you sow

 

Let me be abundantly clear:  I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for liars and manipulators.  

You cannot lie, cheat and talk shit about people - and then expect respect.  Fuck you.

So!  If you have ever said anything negative about me to someone, ESPECIALLY my fucking family, then you would be smart to stay the hell away from me, and anyone who is in my care.

You can’t fool me, and I’m beyond ready to fight back.  I’ve waited over 30+ years to take down these assholes, and I will do it with the TRUTH - proof is in hand.  

I was forced to keep secrets that could destroy a relationship.  

Walk away quietly and you can keep the rest of your secrets - 

Life in the Tr!

Home sweet home 💕 

Well, we are almost completely settled in. The fence is done, all former home expenses finished, and on to building a budget and living the best life possible.  Our neighborhood is very walkable, and we can get straight from our development into the mini mart down the road.  Can you get a DUI on a pedal trike? 🧐 

The dogs are all very happy, especially the fluffy one.  The cats are comfortably roaming the house, including my boy’s new one.  I can’t help but giggle.  As a household, we have 4 dogs & 4 cats, and I wouldn’t be surprised a bit if we ended up with a stray at some point lol. The fence was definitely the best part.  Now the dogs can come and go as they please and we don’t have to worry.  Soon we will find a contractor to do our dog door. 

The back yard is coming along.  Our landscaper plants for us when we have them ready.  We already have a couple red hot pokers, a couple of lavender, Russian sage, and some others I can’t recall.  I love the plants we’ve chosen.  Not only are they drought resistant, but they also love sun and are super easy to maintain.  Considering the rock hill we have, they will do nicely.  Nothing planted in the yard in the back. The grass is for the dogs.  We also have our spot picked out for the Rose Garden 🌹 and have been talking with the landscaper about when to plant and how to treat the soil first.  By this time next year it will be in full beautiful bloom, and we will have fresh cut roses to put on our table against our ancestor wall.  

I like to do purpose driven planting.  Each plant I choose, will have a specific purpose.  Up on the rock hill, all the plants will be chosen based on the wildlife that it attracts.  Butterflies, humming birds, other birds, honey bees etc.  Around the house in the back it will be plants that repel bees, mosquitos and other pests.  As for the front, at some point I plan to spray paint a couple large plastic pots with glow in the dark paint.  The plants that go in there will be annuals, and they will be chosen based on my mood for colors that year.  As those die off I’ll bring the pots into the garage where I will use them to plant my cuttings from our matured plants, to propagate more for the next season of planting.  Next year we will be building raised beds for the veggies we like to eat.  

This pot here is full of edible plants! We’ve got lemon grass, peppermint, mint, sweet basil and thyme.  Not only do all of those repel mosquitos, but I trim them each week and dry them for later use in our cooking.  At some point I’ll be making more herb pots like this one, for the other parts of our patio.  

We did decide not to get a hot tub yet, and if we still do, we aren’t going to put it on the extra patio slab we had the builder put in.  Instead we will put it off the master, and convert the window to some sort of either sliding glass door, or French doors.  Plus, after spending this summer here in mostly 100 or higher temperatures, we might just get a swim spa instead of a hot tub!  

Eventually, we will have a tanning bed and a sauna, but that’s a low priority right now.  First things first… 

We should be receiving the lab request for his recheck PSA.  I’m certain the radiation got it all.  His energy levels are steadily improving and so is his appetite.  Like, he is really enjoying having his appetite back lol.  We’re going to take the dogs for a walk this evening and starting Monday we are all on a new exercise routine ❤️ even my mom.  Resistant band training will help all of us.  Oh AND now he has been introduced to mani’s & pedi’s and he’s hooked!!  Good thing too cuz he is really hard on his hands.

This little dude sure keeps us on our toes.  He’s a bit of a thief when it comes to napkins and slippers.  But he’s a love.  He reminds me so much of my first pit, Bosco.  I wish I had pictures of him to compare.  Grayson is already learning so much.  He taught himself how to open the bedroom doors 😬 and he enjoys introducing himself to the cats.  🤦‍♀️ He actually is a pretty good boy already.  He’s already strong, and is always right next to me.  He will be easy to train as my new balance dog.  Just in time too because Maija is 7 years old now, and showing her age.  Time for her to just chase the birds and squirrels and enjoy life as a pet.

We are all so blessed.  

The truth is still the truth; even if no one believes it

 It’s difficult to find the words to explain how I feel.  Sad?  Angry?  Disappointed?  Hurt?

All of the above I guess.  I’m exhausted.  I didn’t set my boundaries early enough in life, and now I’m living with the consequences.

There are people who are no longer in my life because they chose deception instead.  And through the deception, they spread untruths that cut so deep, that there simply is no recovering.  I can love them from a distance, but I can never allow them to hold a place at my table again.  

That is probably the hardest part for me.  Nothing even had to be this way.  All they needed to do was swallow their pride and tell the truth.  All of it.  But, apparently none of them are strong enough to handle the consequences of ‘their’ truths being exposed, so they decided to chose their deceit over our relationship - friend, family, etc.  In doing so, those who are too ignorant to seek the truth themselves, have jumped onto the bandwagon of deceit, and are also in turn, estranging themselves from my life, and those who are currently in it.

I have one hell of a story to tell.  The experiences I’ve had - the types of people I’ve allowed to influence me - the damage that caused, and then of course the best part…how I dragged myself out of the ashes that so many “loved ones” left me in.  

Yeah I suppose I’m angry too.  Sometimes I wish I knew why.  Then I remember why.  

I allowed it.  

“Bipolar or psychotic, maybe both”

I didn’t stand up for myself.  When the lies started flowing, I just shrunk into my own little world.  I repeated this cycle every single time.  When they chose to be cruel, I chose (or did my best anyway) compassion.  When I screwed up, I did my best to be honest about it.  

I spent the majority of my life living in survival mode, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have experienced horrific things, and had to handle the aftermath alone.  Where was my support then?  Who was there for me?  Who didn’t just ‘believe’ what someone was saying and actually asked me?  

I’ll tell you.  The only people currently participating in my life.  

“She’s crazy and unstable, dont go for her”

I have been called every name in the book by people who share my DNA.  

I have been expected to keep secrets that I never should have known.

The things that have been said about me, to me, to others etc are so vile and hurtful that it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

I have spent my life feeling as though I am constantly having to defend my character to people who have none.

My reputation never stood a chance with any of them.  And I never fought back.  

I have permitted censorship.  By keeping quiet and not standing up for myself, I helped them silence me.  Because I didn’t fight back while the abuse was happening, it was easy for them to manipulate the narrative.  Additionally, my low self esteem and insecurities were also easy for them to manipulate.  How do you control someone with low self esteem?  Make them feel worse about who they are.  Easy.

Married the same man 4 times 

What happens when a child grows up feeling as if they are never good enough?  What about when that child is also witness to other family abuse?  Who the hell protects the kids???

No one.  They end up finding ways to protect themselves.  

In many ways I think I allowed all of it because I just wanted to be accepted.  If I let them be, and kept quiet, maybe they would stop.

They didn’t stop.  

So I did the only thing I could.  

I spoke the truth.  I might be completely alone in the end, but at least I’ll be able to sleep with a good conscience…

I still wish everyone happiness - we all deserve it.  But if you weren’t there for me when I was in need, or if you kicked me while I was down - please just leave me alone.  I’m done.  I have a new life to live and real compassionate people to give my love to.  

I have survived multiple bouts of suicidal thoughts (alone)

To anyone who happens to read this and is also a scapegoat, please speak up.  Dont let them continue.  You deserve better.

Witch? Which witch am I? A snarky one, for sure.

What should we write about today?  Should I ruffle anymore feathers or just let shit sit as it is?  I vote for feathers.

🖕🏻

I knew my arrival out here would freak a few people out.  I’ve been the pariah of this family for 28 years or more.  But, you see, the only reason I was the pariah, is because rather than getting all sides of the ‘story’ they only got one.  🤷‍♀️ Their loss really.  I’m used to it.  I’ve always been the scapegoat.  Not just in this family, but everywhere.  

I am very adept with my abilities.  Some people think it’s witchcraft 😂 but the people who aren’t ignorant and scared, know that all it is, is who I am.  I’m intuitive.  More so than most people.  I know things.  I dont know how I know, I just do.  Spirits visit me in dreams and give me messages.  I’ve always been a lucid dreamer.  I touch someone and feel what they are feeling.  I also have a very difficult time expressing my own feelings.  I’m a powerful manifester.  I’m deeply in touch with nature, the spirit world, and the universe.  Animals flock to me.  Strangers tell me their whole life story.  

I’m an Empath, and an HSP.  My personality type is INFJ, and my enneagram is 5w4.  My sun is Sagittarius, my moon is Leo and my rising is Aquarius.  I can look someone straight in the eyes and know without a doubt if they’re being truthful.  I am a natural lie detector.  I get “feelings” that tell me something is amiss, so I do what I must to reveal the truth.  Just ask my first husband, back when we were just dating and he was in Canada with the boys for a guys weekend.  😂 I can detect lies just through someones language.  The words they choose.  Their behavior when questioned.  How easily they are triggered over something they really know nothing about.  All of it shows the truth.  I just know how to see it, where most people dont.

I have studied human behavior my entire adult life.  You simply can’t bullshit me.  You might think you are, but that is only because I’ve chosen to let you carry on, rather than calling you out on it.  If it’s not worth my time, I don’t waste it.  I’ve got better things to do.

MMM witchcraft!  Wicca.  Pagan.  Witch.  I’ve been called worse.  It seriously cracks me up that people are afraid of me because I’m a witch lol.  Good grief.  This witch believes in God.  🤦‍♀️ Idiots.  My belief is that everything is connected.  From us on this earth, the animals and plants here, the sky, the clouds, the weather, the sun and the moon, the ocean and the tides, the Universe, the stars and the other planets...all of it is connected to God.  And to serve God also means to serve all that he has created.  All of it.  So if that makes me a witch, so be it.  I love crystals, rocks, plants, gems, old things, moss, creatures of all, bugs etc.  I light candles by color for specific blessings.  I do works (spells) for others, when asked, and sometimes when Not asked.  If I sense that someone I care about is struggling, I will light a specific candle, set up some specific crystals in a specific pattern, and put together some specific herbs for offering and I will meditate and chant for them to send healing and positive energy to them.  Yep.  I’m a witch.  

Again.  Idiots.  

I made a “witch jar” for a very special person a few months ago, and included a note.  This jar was to help him to stay his course, to find his strength and courage, and to remember who he is.  It was meant to help him.  I dont know if it did or not?  But, that was my intent.  

I do NOT practice black magic, although I could.  I certainly know how because I do have a dark side.  All of us do.  The reason I choose not to practice black magic is the Law of Attraction.  Every spell has a consequence.  No matter the intent, you always have to be prepared for the consequences.  So, because I like who I am when I’m being kind and compassionate, a hell of a lot more than when I’m angry and spiteful...I have chosen to avoid magic of all kinds when I’m angry.  I dont want to hurt anyone.  I only want to help.

I also don’t have any secrets.  Literally.  I’m an open book.  You just have to ask the right questions.  The only secrets I have, are those other’s have told me, or I’ve found out on my own...I don’t tell those secrets unless I’m backed into a corner.  Smart people won’t do that.  Stupid people will.  So, dont be stupid.

The people who know me, will tell you I am one of the nicest and most trustworthy people you will ever meet.  I definitely missed my calling lol.  I should have been a counselor.  Oh well.  I’m a fierce advocate for the people I love.  If I love you, you are one of the luckiest people around, because there is nothing I won’t do, to keep those I love happy and safe.  Nothing.  Well, as long as it doesn’t land me in jail, nothing.  Been there...I do NOT look good in orange, and well...I’m a nice person.  I dont belong in jail with the criminals.  I’m not a criminal.  Seriously.  Spotless all the way through.  I do not like to break the law.  

Most of my life people have misunderstood me.  And that is totally ok with me, because I don’t really like people anyway.  They bore me.  They annoy me.  Their bullshit aggravates me.  I really don’t have much patience when it comes to stupidity and arrogance.  Just be nice, sheesh!  How hard is that?  

In a perfect world, everyone I love, and everyone they love, would all be able to spend some time together in genuine openness, honesty and compassion.  All I want for the people I love, is their happiness, health, and to live the best life they can.  If I can help them do that, even better!  That is what makes me happy.  Being able to help other people find their true happiness.  

I was invited here.  Everything that has happened since my arrival, was already discussed before I even agreed to come here.  None of it was my idea.  I was floored at the invitation.  Even more so at the ‘offer’.  So I said yes.  Of course I’ll come help you.  The rest of it will be determined later, because....I am an honest fucking person.  If anyone is interested in knowing the actual whole story...starting way back before my arrival here was even a thought....I encourage them to come over on a weekend, peacefully, with an open mind, and listen.  Don’t talk.  Just listen.  IF after that, you STILL feel the way you do, well then, so be it.  It won’t change a thing, since everyone is allowed to do whatever they want with their lives...

What does your heart tell you?  You already know the truth.  Deep down inside, you know.  Don’t let your fears right now control your mind.  You literally have nothing to fear.  No one is losing anyone.  No one is ‘choosing’ anyone.  We are all just trying to find our own way in this fucked up world.  

I’m going to list a few things now that should give a reasonable person an idea into who I am.  

100 year old hand made quilt / drivers license / photos / Christmas items 

As soon as I saw that quilt and the note, I knew instantly who should have it. 🤔 Same with the drivers license and etc.  Who got it?  Exactly.

I’m done watching the people I love crying over this shit.  It’s pointless.  I’m also done worrying about everyone else that isn’t under this roof.  My only goal is to protect them and help them.  You want to know my intentions?  Come and ask.  Seriously!  I’ve got nothing to hide.  

Plus, now that it’s out there that we are moving, there is a ton of stuff in this house that we aren’t taking.  If there is something here we aren’t taking, perhaps you want it??  

Whatever.  I give up.  I’ve extended the proverbial olive branch enough.  Even if you choose to stay away, and refuse to participate in our life...that’s ok.  His door is always open.  I will never stand in the way.  But I’m also not going anywhere.  As long as he wants me in his life, I will be in his life.  

My goal is to keep him alive and happy for another 25+ years.  I’m not the enemy ❤️ 

And...to lighten the mood a little... if I was actually capable of putting a “spell” on someone for my own personal gain, I’d have chosen someone with a lot more fucking money.  LOL 

As always, lead with love & light and you will be blessed.

💕 KJ 

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Empathy: Do you know it?

The ability to truly understand someones position

What exactly is empathy?  Do you know?  Google it.  Now think about some past memories where you were in a situation, where you had to try and understand what someone was going through.  Did you tell them that you knew what they were going through?  Or you’ve been there?  Were you though?  Did you actually experience the exact same thing?  Unlikely.  However, you can imagine what it must have felt like.  That is empathy.  Most people are quite capable of being empathetic to the people they care about.  That empathy, is how we are able to show love to someone who is hurting.  Could you show empathy to a stranger?  Probably.  I’m sure you’ve seen the homeless people out there.  Have you ever helped them?  Do you feel bad for them, and their lifestyle?  Do you ever wish you could do more to help them?  What do you think you could do for them?  Could you offer them housing?  Probably not.  What about clothes?  How about food?  Can you offer them a job, or some other way of getting off the street?  Have you ever considered just sitting with them and listening to their story?  How they became homeless?  Do you even care enough to ask?  Unfortunately, most people dont.  And, if you are in that category, then I bet you have some unresolved issues of your own that you need to deal with.  Why?  I’m glad you asked.  Stop frowning and keep reading.

People who have experienced their own trauma’s and haven’t dealt with them in a healthy way, are blocked.  Because of their own trauma, and the coping mechanisms they developed as a way of protecting themselves, blocks them from being able to be empathetic to others.  They are blocked from trying to understand others.  Blocked from having the ability to sit with them and talk.  There isn’t any room.  Because of the adolescent coping mechanisms they developed, they effectively blocked the most important part of them.  Their ability to show love to other’s in their times of need.  It’s too difficult for them to allow anymore drama/trauma into their lives.  Instead, they silently push people away and then the cycle continues.  They form a judgement based on immature ignorance, and never look at it again.  

I know this because I’ve done it.  It wasn’t until I dealt with my own trauma’s that I was able to fully unlock my truest self.  

If you didn’t hear it with your own ears, or see it with your own eyes, then don’t spread it with your mouth.  

It’s easy to pass a judgement.  

What could you be missing though?  You could miss out on the opportunity to make a new friend.  You could learn something.  You could even find your own healing in it.  

Wouldn’t it be better though, if we took the time to try to understand?  Imagine the incredible blessings you could experience, if for once, you just tried?  Open your minds my friends.  We stand to learn so much by learning to understand others.  The freedom that comes with owning your own truth, and being truly compassionate with other’s is indescribable.  

I challenge you to try it.  What could go wrong?  In truth, you have nothing to lose.  So what are you waiting for?

❤️ 

Always Love & Light 

MS, PMDD, weather &.......🤔

Getting a diagnosis isn’t as easy as you think

Every morning when I wake up I get to ask my body “what’s it gonna be today?”.  Sometimes it’s my ears that decide to act up, making it almost impossible to hear.  Almost always my hands are tingly, and quite often so numb that I can’t turn my phone on.  Lately, the cold weather makes every joint ache, and makes my ears wet (I’m experiencing inner ear issues).  

My mobility issues are interesting.  Sober, stoned or under the influence of alcohol...it doesn’t seem to matter.  I have balance problems, and drop foot a lot which then makes me trip My left hand at times is useless, so I just keep it close to my chest.  It takes a ton of effort just to get my fingers to cooperate enough to type.  I can’t write ✍️ for very long, because my fingers want to cramp up.  🤦‍♀️ 

If it isn’t MS messing with me, then it’s PMDD.  🩸 For several days in a row about a week or so before my period, I feel down and sad.  I have zero energy, and just want to be quiet.  Life gets a bit overwhelming when this happens.  There is SO much work to be done, but I feel just stuck.  Where do I even start?  When PMDD gets involved, every ounce of effort I give to a project takes so much mental energy from me that I just can’t function.  

Sometimes, between the two, I feel like I’m useless.  I forget words that used to be a regular part of my vocabulary.  I lose track of what I’m talking about in the middle of it. 🤐 I try to pick something up and it just doesn’t work.  I can’t get it in my fingers.  How am I supposed to fulfill my purpose, without the use of my words and hands?

I used to think I was just clumsy.  Now though, I can see where it was MS popping in.  However, warmer temperatures will make things a lot better!  My body won’t be so cold, and my ears should dry up a bit.  It’s definitely looking good for next week over here.  Sunny 😎 most of the week, which means...dump runs galore!  Lots to do to fix up this house! 😁 

As far as MS goes, there’s not much I can do except be careful with my diet, and pay super close attention when doing things.  PMDD will eventually subside, once menopause fully takes place.  

Until then, it is what it is, right?  Make your life what you can.  I’m exploring different things on my end, and making necessary adjustments. I’m excited for the future! 

2021 really is the year of blessings for us all ❤️ 

KARMA

If the shoe fits...

You know who you are.

Open your eyes.  

Be your true authentic self.  

Don’t allow anyone else to cloud your judgment. 

You know the truth.

Follow your gut.

Listen.

Happy New Year 2021

 Started at 4:44 pm 12/10/2020 / Returned to it 1/1/2021 at 2:11 pm

I don’t quite know why I started this post when I did, or why I finally returned to write it; I just know that the ‘Universe’ prompted me to.  So here goes!

This is the thickness of the tree that stopped us from toppling over to our deaths 

Happy New Year!  Right?  Or, not?  2020 was quite an eye opener for me.  Yes, I seem to be saying that a lot each year...but this time it really was.  This time last year, my adult daughter and I were facing homelessness.  Apparently, stripping me of everything I believed I wanted in the beginning of 2019, wasn’t enough of an eye opener.  🤷‍♀️ So early 2020, my daughter and I resigned to living homeless, out of our vehicles.  My car had heated seats, and so we would keep our things organized neatly in hers, and we [me, her & 3 dogs] would sleep and “use” mine for driving.  Well, that didn’t exactly go as planned! 😂 

My only friend [at that time] had offered to let us use her RV that was parked at Lake Tyee in Concrete.  We began planning for that, but once again, we had a slight blip.  The man whom I ‘thought’ was a genuine friend [turned out he had some pretty sick ulterior motives toward me] crossed the line one too many times so my daughter and I hastily left for the RV in the dark, during what we would wake up to, was a complete snowy white out.  And no power in the RV.  So, we decided to leave the RV and get to town and make a new plan.  My car was stuck [guess it wasn’t a 4-wheel drive after all].  So we moved everything from my car to her car and off we went.  The only way off that mountain was the main gate, which was a few miles away, up and down a winded snow covered road.  A little more than a mile away from the gate we apparently hit an ice patch and started sliding in slow motion toward a 40 foot ledge.  

We should have died... 

I now wish I had saved the pictures.  When we hit the tree that saved us, the driver side of the car was tilted off the edge at about a 40 degree angle 📐.  Looking out the window all we saw were tops of evergreen trees.  Our only way out was through the passenger side front door, which is already heavy when you’re on level ground.  During this experience I was in shock.  How in the world did we get out of that without a scratch on us?  Mom strength?  Maybe.  Angels?  Most definitely.  I am certain it took every one of our Angels to help us endure.  After the wreck we still had a mile to go, and the snow was increasing quickly.  The first half mile was downhill, of course 🤦‍♀️ and Maija, my big dog was on a leash meant for Cassius, my 6 lb Chihuahua.  😧 Once we made it to the office, and were greeted with warmth and hot coffee we got ahold of my friend and she came to pick us up.  

Thank God for her at that moment.  If she ever stumbles across this post, I hope she knows how much I appreciate her, and that even though I removed our friendship from Facebook, I keep an eye on her.  I am so sorry to learn of your dad’s passing.  I regret that I wasn’t there for you during that time.  Please know should you ever need anything, please reach out.  ❤️ 

During the 85 nights [1/14/2020 - 4/8/2020] that we slept on my friends couch, I learned an incredible amount of humility.  The lessons I took away from that time were critical in my personal development.  These women took me under their wing without a second thought.  I learned the importance of knowing how to cultivate food.  I learned that someones behavior is more often a cry for some attention, some love, than it is manipulative.  Everyone has their own loving style.  Once you are open to learning someone’s style, an entire new world of understanding comes into focus.  I also learned that there are just some people that you just can’t help because they are stuck in the mistrusting and survival stage.  I’ll keep him in my prayers this year.  

Early April I left Concrete and drove over to where I am now.  When I arrived this place was an absolute mess.  I don’t mean physical appearance, no that was Concrete.  Here it was emotional.  Years of negative energy nearly dropped me to the floor.  Immediately I felt like I needed to forge ahead at lightening speed to get financially stable enough to live independent of them.  It wasn’t that ‘they’ are bad; It’s the 20 years of every emotion you could ever feel, cramped into one little home.  Every room was touched.  Including mine.  Way too many memories for me and what I lost in 2019, and a deafening amount of pain everywhere else, from them.  

Since my arrival here, there have been a lot of positive changes.  My mom has essentially given up alcohol, except in social times and occasionally 1 or 2 in the later evening.  she’s eating more, drinking more water, and on a good anti-depressant.  She is also managing her desire to get high by using marijuana tinctures, instead of alcohol.  I got my mom back.  Of course I don’t know how long I’ll have her, but I will appreciate and learn from each moment.  

The relationship between my dad and I has evolved.  Mostly positive.  I suppose maybe part of my job here is to make the entire experience a positive one.  Perhaps when he is coming to me for guidance, albeit inappropriate for the father - child relationship, maybe I’m supposed to look at it as a professional would, as a way of honing my ability to help others find healing in themselves?  

Ponderous 🧐 

My beautiful children seem to be on the right path now as well.  I’m very proud of them, and so thankful that they have survived the storm of being my children.  I’m excited to watch them evolve in their own journeys.  

While I’ve been here I have been able to get some answers concerning my own health too.  It looks like I’m in for some big changes this year where my chosen career path may be altered dramatically.  Eventually, after I submit to a bunch of ‘tests’ [required by insurance before getting to the final answer - which we already know...me and dr.] I will be awarded with the official diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  No, I’m not worried.  I’m just trying to figure out what I’m good at, where can I earn a livable income and still follow my path?  My worst symptom right now is in my hands.  I wake up with painful numbing in my fingertips all the way up past the elbow.  The duration varies.  And so far, nothing I do minimizes it.  My grandmother lost the use of her legs.  I pray I don’t lose the use of my hands.  

On that final note, I want to say, you already have the answers to everything you seek.  You only need to take a moment and look within.  Find your lessons.  There is where you find the answers. 

Always love & light,

Kk